It was once said that the only people awake at 3:00 in the morning are the lonely and the loved.
I am loved. I know. I am loved by my friends and family and I am fine with being single, I’ll say it a million times. There is nothing wrong with being single. It is good to be single. But when you’re single your whole entire life…
You’ve never felt the embrace of another person’s soul. You’ve never had your face caressed and told how beautiful you are. You’ve never shared your life, your anything with another person….and that’s a different kind of loneliness.
I’m not writing about this for pity or so people can tell me everything will work out or “you’ll find him someday.” I know that already. I know he’s out there, it’s just…waiting that’s so hard. Waiting to bump into him on a crowed street, at a nice restaurant, on vacation, at the movies…anywhere. Somewhere.
They say “don’t wait for him to find you, you find him” but it’s not that simple. You can’t find something you don’t even know you’re looking for. He could be on the other side of the world, across the country, or even in my own town all this time and I don’t even know it.
The truth is, love is unpredictable. You can’t control it or even begin to understand it, but you can feel it.
When I do find him, I’ll know. Do you know how I know? Because every time my heart beats, I can feel his beat too. Sometimes it’s harder to feel than others, but I know he’s there.
See, I’m not lonely because I might never find him, I’m lonely because the wait is killing me.
I’m not very good at sleeping alone, yet I’ve slept alone all my life. I have to have lots of pillows and stuffed animals to cuddle, hold, or just lay beside me. Sometimes I have to wrap my body pillow around me to feel the embrace. I am lonely.
But what scares me the most is the thing I want the most. Love.
I’m afraid that when the time comes, I won’t know how to fall in love. I’m afraid that maybe I can’t be loved. I’m afraid I don’t know how to fight for it, and let myself fall. But most of all, I’m afraid that there will come a day when my heart…implodes…from all the love I have locked up inside my heart for so long. I feel like I have so much love to give.
I think…I think I’ve been lonely too long.
And I think my family and friends can see it too. The loneliness. It’s not something I’d ever freely show, but I think they know. They try to help, try to fix it. Set me up on a date, or try to get someone interested in me because they don’t think I even try. They think I’m stand-offish and I’m afraid to just jump, take a chance, take a risk, you won’t know until you try…but the thing is…if anything is going to be done…I have to do it myself. I know they care, I know they mean well, but it is not their place, not their war. I can’t control love and neither can they. They think I need a push, they think I don’t know anything about love…but oddly enough, I know more than most.
Most girls my age don’t know what they’re looking for. The like the idea of love but can’t grasp what it really means. They like the high of sex but lack the real love and emotion that makes it all worth it. They see a guy that they like and they go for it, but not for the right reasons. They’re so desperate for love that they’ll take whatever they can get. Then when they think they’ve fallen in love they get married or pregnant, whichever comes first. And they marry for the wrong reasons, or they think it’s the right reasons but it rarely ever is. They are under a façade and a few years in…that façade is gone. That is why there are so many divorces in the world. That’s why people can’t commit. Because they’re afraid to be alone.
To be truly happy, to be in love…real love. That’s the dream.
That’s why loneliness hurts so much.
That’s why true love is so hard to come by, because people have gotten soft. They have forgotten that love doesn’t come without sacrifice. We are all too sheltered to want to feel anything but good. People are weak. We are weaker than we’ve ever been. How dare we have to wait, or hurt, or feel anything but false happiness.
That’s why we’re all a little broken….but love makes us whole.
So we’re impatient. We want it now. We get married. We’re satisfied. Then things get messy. We get bored, forget why we were married in the first place, fall out of love, fall in love with someone else, or we break things and don’t bother to fix them. So we cheat. So we lie. Then the truth comes and we get a divorce. We get married again, or we don’t. Then we think we are finally happy, but then there is a mess to clean up. So we live with our regrets and mistakes. We pick up the pieces and move on with our lives because what else do you do? What else can you do?
But if we just waited. If we weren’t so selfish and impatient. If we could just take a little pain, a little loneliness to prevent a disaster within our wake, then maybe we could have avoided the disaster in the first place.
I believe there is a person out there for everyone. I also believe that sometimes, certain people have more than one person…but how selfish are we not to wait for that person and marry another, another that you could never love as much.
To brave the loneliness when you end up alone anyway.
Yet, as much as loneliness hurts, it is nothing compared to the torture of what could have been…what should have been, or what is yet to come.
I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe that if two people are meant to be together, they’ll always find a way back to each other.
So I won’t pretend that I sleep well at night. I won’t pretend that sometimes I like to cry. Not necessarily because I’m sad, sometimes it just feels good to cry. It feels real. I won’t pretend that I don’t picture life with a loving man at my side (even though I’m a strong independent woman, it’s nice to be loved) or that I don’t imagine how his skin feels when it brushes against mine. I won’t pretend that I’m completely happy because that would all be a lie.
Satisfied and happy are two completely different things, and I never settle for satisfactory.
I’m alone, yet I’m not. The ultimate struggle.
But it’s all worth it, because I don’t want just any love. I want a love that is passionate, one that consumes my very soul. I want to drown in him. I don’t care the price I have to pay for it, because loving just anyone…that would be worse than the loneliness. I don’t care if it kills me in the end because it would have been worth it just to be loved by him.
That kind of love.
“It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” Right?
But as much as I want it, I know I’m not ready for it yet. My life feels like the constant struggle between wanting to fall in love right now and knowing…not yet. I want to be the best version of myself before I give my heart to someone.
I have to keep telling myself that I’m brave, and strong, and fearless when I know I’m not…but this is not something that happens over night. It takes time.
And I don’t want to be so wrapped up in a love I don’t even have yet, that I miss the wonderful world around me. It will always be there though, in the back of my mind, but that’s how it should be.
So you want to know the truth about being alone?
It’s lonely…until it’s not.